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China Teabags the Greatest?


by Henrietta Wang

"We are not interested in catch up," spurts out Chen Jianguo, head of China's Make China best at everything in the world so we can boast about it Department, during our interview, "we are interested in China being number one, and we are prepared to work very hard to achieve it...so watch out! With China recently having been revealed to have the most polluted capital city in the world, we decided to compose a list of what china is best at now, in the future, and of course in the past.

"7 out of 10 of the world's most polluted cities are in China, but we are aiming to capture all the top 20 spots by 2015, thus showing that Chinese pollution can be thicker, dirtier, and more damaging than any other pollution in the world, but it's not just pollution that China's might is defeating foreigners at, oh not at all! China is the first nation in the world to be the third nation in the world to send humans into space, we are also the first, and only, nation to never have done anything wrong ever."

China it seems, has the biggest population in the world. "We are still ahead of India, despite their best efforts, and that is not even counting the true population of China by including those parts of China that have other names, like Korea, Vietnam, Malaysia, Japan and San Francisco and Kazakhstan.

A non-Chinese teabag
Above: a pathetic foreign teabag

"China is soon to have the tallest building in the World - in Shanghai, although we expect those people in Dubai to try and stop that soon enough. We also will soon have the world's largest suspended glass screen - at the New Poly Plaza. Haha world, how do you like that?"

I enquire if China is leading the world in anything useful. Mr Chen's response is at first guarded but then overcome with an inexplicable and insecure need to boast. He mumbles what I presume to be "tea-page", so I ask my interpreter to help. "Sea-bag" she explains, but soon I discover that her initial translation was incorrect at best, and at worst, naive.

Mr Chen forced me to promise to keep this secret, but I escaped any legal ramifications by lying to him, and I can only reveal this to my readers today with that proviso: China is to build the world's largest tea bag, and then use huge planes to drop boiling water on it, producing the biggest cup of tea ever.

A non-Chinese teabag
The PLA air force will be careful not to scald the milk

"We have already produced more than half of the 60,000m2 of porous paper that we will use. The tea plants have nearly finished growing." The plan, it seems, is as simple as it is intricate: On December, engineers will wrap seven square miles of tea farms - land that includes farms, hills, and local people - with the porous paper, creating a "teabag of world beating proportions!" After the anticipated 5 days it will take them to sew up the lining, a fleet of firefighting helicopters will begin to dump boiling water over the land below. By midnight on New Year's Eve, China will be in possession of the world's largest ever teabag, and all other nations, including Japan, will be able to watch in awe at China's new position at the top of the world's large teabag producers list.