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Kentucky Fried China


by Delilah Sheraton

What was once a mysterious epidemic has now become a textbook case for clinical diseases. It's been over one year since physicians began diagnosing the peculiar health condition which leads to obesity and attention deficit disorder, as well as causing a predilection towards drug use. Perhaps the most severe case documented was last year, in the case of two and a half year old Xiao Gong, of Beijing.

As the first to report the case, GR is also the first to revisit the case. In the last five years, KFC franchises have been sprouting up all over China like pimples on a pubescent. The red and white fašade displaying the famous icon of the fast food restaurant now torments mother, Mrs. Wang. "I used to think the Colonel was a smiling, happy old man," she said, "but now I think he is sneering and demonically laughing at me. If you look very close, behind the glasses, you can see his eyes are made of pure evil."

July 4 will mark one year since little Xiao Gong took his fatal bite of the Colonel's chicken. What was simply an innocent excursion to the Wang family's favorite fast food restaurant has turned into a lifelong disaster for their only child, Xiao Gong. "I suppose it could have been worse," stated father Mr. Wang. "It could have been bird flu."

The Colonel
Above: is this child dressed as Evil?

Sadly, the soon-to-be toddler's condition has continued to grow increasingly worse over time. Yet the Wangs have been learning to cope with their son's disease, which seems to affect uncondensed DNA, causing cell mutation. "Although he likes to listen to that lecherous Jessica Simpson and constantly demands we buy him a SUV, he's still our son," commented Mr. Wang.

While researchers have led various studies to determine the pathology of this disease, commonly known as Americanization, little headway has been made. Temporary forms of treatment include reading, listening to Brit Rock, and doing regular exercise. As it stands, for those victims stricken with the peculiar condition, no cure has been found.