by Gerry Balt
Officer Balloon (BTV-2)
Enthusiastic police officer Xie Fei attaches helium balloons to his body and becomes Beijing's leading expert in high-rise crime and prevailing wind directions. This week sees the sudden popularity of Officer Flying, who takes to the air on wings made of feathers stuck together with wax. As Officer Flying's arrest record quickly outstrips his own, Officer Balloon plots to take his rival out of the picture. But how can he trick him into flying to close to the sun?
Kid's Air-time Filler (CCTV-10)
Hastily thrown-together replacement for the majority of the channel's children's programming in the wake of new SARFT regulations which have, in the words of one station executive "effectively banned TV". Filler consists of handheld camcorder footage of presenters going about everyday tasks such as crossing the road or buying cigarettes, livened up with comedy sound effects.
Lost Island (BTV-3)
Remake of the US TV hit, this version is about the survivors of a China South-Eastern flight downed when an American spyplane deliberately rammed it somewhere over the Pacific. Filmed on location in Hainan. Communication problems on the beach continue despite the revelation that Congo-born Paul speaks perfect Mandarin, as his fellow survivors pretend they can't understand him. Meanwhile, in the interior of the island, Lu Bing nears death from his treatable wound as the rest of the hunting party stand around in a circle watching him rather than doing anything to help.
New Pig Techniques (CCTV-1)
Dreary reportage on advances in China's porcine farming industry, including on-the-spot reports from various dull farms, all of which seriously calls into question the idea of this being a country's flagship TV channel.
Devils In The Garden (XJTV)
Explosive new documentary which demonstrates that the deaths during the Great Leap Forward and Cultural Revolution were a direct result of the brutal slaying of over 3 million people in Nanjing in 1937 and thus can be blamed entirely on Japan. One advert break replaced by images of Japanese PM Koizumi for "Four Minutes' Anger".