Infant Overdoses on KFC Bucket: A Health Report
by Delilah Sheraton
Dateline! : Monday, July 5, 2005, Beijing
Parents of little Xiao Gong have just returned from the hospital this morning after an all-night worryfest of terror. But as Xiao Gong's papa assures us, "he's a strong boy. He's going to be OK."
It all started the previous evening at about 6:00 in the evening. Mr and Mrs Wang decided to take their 21 month old son, Xiao Gong, to KFC, in honor of America's Independence Day. The store, located in Yayuncun district, two blocks from the Wang's residence, was handing out free sparklers and genetically manufactured miniature corn cobs in glorious celebration of the USA's national holiday.
Mr. Wang, a real estate broker in Beijing for the last five years, said, "We've always eaten at this place, ever since it opened. When my wife was carrying our son, at least three or four times per week, I would bring home buckets of chicken and boxes of chicken wings, fried potatoes [french fries], genetically manufactured miniature corn, and synthetically flavoured purple ice cream cones, because she craved those dishes, and she wasn't in the condition to cook herself."
"We like eating there," Mrs Wang said, eyes still red from crying in horror for the last 18 hours, "it's very modern and fashionable. And it's delicious." But after what's happened to her only son, Xiao Gong, Mrs Wang recants her last statement: "I've now lost my appetite."
Above: the plucky young whippersnapper Xiao Gong
July 4th was not only America's 229th birthday but also the debut date of Xiao Gong's third tooth. In light of his son's maturation process, Mr Wang felt he was ready to celebrate by chomping down into his first genetically manufactured miniature ear of free corn. After all, it was free. But never in a million years would Mr Wang have let his son taste one kernel of mutant corn had he known what would happen next.
"First there he started to make this hard blowing noise with his mouth," Mrs. Wang said, referring to and imitating the sounds of 'beat boxing'. "Then he actually started to speak! And we were so shocked that we couldn't understand what he was saying. But then we realized the reason why we couldn't understand what he was saying was because he was speaking in English, really fast, as if he were in a trance," Mrs Wang elaborated, illustrating the phenomenon witnesses reported as "dropping rhymes".
Xiao Gong was then reported to have jumped out of his mother's lap, turned his cap to the side, climbed onto the table where the family was dining, and yelled, "Mad props to the Colonel!" It was at this point that the infant started to use his fingers as pistols and wave them at the surrounding KFC customers, in a 'shoot-em-up' fashion. Xiao Gong then laughed maniacally and then asked if anybody had any porn. "What kind of country is this?" Xiao Gong was reported as asking, when no one could provide the little infant with smut. Shortly after, Xiao Gong went into a series of convulsions and fits.
Devastatingly horrified, the Wangs were finally able to contain Xiao Gong and rush him to the nearest State Hospital. After intensive treatment (acupuncture and a stomach pump), Xiao Gong was finally released this morning as the happy healthy adorable boy he had been before.
What Xiao Gong experienced on the 4th of July is what professionals are calling The Curse of the Colonel, a condition so new it has yet to be researched. While there are still no findings regarding its pathology, the results of The Curse have been recorded as the strange behavior Xiao Gong experienced, coupled with opiate overdose reaction symptoms. "Unfortunately, we're seeing this sort of thing more and more," said Dr Guo, the head physician that treated little Xiao Gong. "It's common in children because they have such a low tolerance to the chemical that triggers the Colonel's Curse. It only takes five chicken wings to overrun the antibodies of a 16 kg child, resulting in Americanization, such as rhyme talking and violent behaviour."
It was reported in 2001 that over 600 branches of KFC were open for business in China. In 2003, David Novak, CEO and chairman of Yum Brands!, the parent company of KFC, was reported to say, "Every day, over two million Chinese people eat at KFC. We open over 250 KFC restaurants a year [in China] and expect to do that for many years to come."
Yet with the recent horror story of Xiao Gong and others like him, the rapid process of KFCs spreading through China like a virus may suffer a few illnesses of its own. Mr. Novak says he and the boys "may have their work cut out for them if they still want to hear millions of cries in unison proclaim their product is truly "Finger Rickin' Good!""