Corporate Image Trouble at CCTV
by Delilah Sheraton
As a writer for gou-rou.com, I take reporting the news as I see it quite seriously. This involves digging deep between the lines, spotlighting the impossible and sometimes risking death or insanity in the process of bringing significant issues to light for our beloved readership. As many a veteran journalist will tell you, it's all in a day's work.
Before I came to gou-rou I interviewed with several other media enterprises. And I was rejected from them all. Most commonly due to my lack of experience in journalism, as Xinhua and The China Daily don't recognize the legitimate integrity of kabaddi fanzine publishing.
The most cordial rejection I received was from the English broadcasting channel, CCTV 9. Rather than not calling at all, they kindly contacted me, in a very thankful manner, to tell me I was a loser. Apparently, they liked my pitches for the program, and although they could overlook my lack of background experience, I just didn't make the grade in terms of the screen test. To put it in their words, "You're just a little too short for the show."
Now, in all my five feet and two inches, I've been told this sort of thing for a myriad of reasons at various times. It's not easy being vertically challenged. But never did I think I'd hear these words in China. What seemed a bit more curious and shocking was that I knew of the extremely cropped height of that sex kitten of a news correspondent, James Chau. The darling's got an inch on me at best. And so I began to wonder. And that's what began the investigation. And after rigorous thought and a few minutes of dedicated research, I came across a startling phenomenon affecting all if not some of the hosts on CCTV 9:
Above: James Chau, CCTV9's perkiest infognome
While their height was indeed far surpassing my own, I found that they all appeared to be a little... you know, funny looking. When comparing my notes with a range of public opinion polls, I found my observations to be 99.2% percent accurate. I mean, come on, that weather guy from Canada. Does he choose those oversized jackets and putrid colours himself or is some production assistant out there waging a subtle campaign of sartorial sabotage? It seemed that the latter was the case, as I continued to uncover this pattern more and more.
Yes, it has been found that while all the reporters of Asian descent are blindingly attractive to look at, the non-Asian reporters on CCTV are pretty much all just a tad on the goofy-looking side. (Hence, the policy of not casting midgetesque statures did not apply to James Chau since he is so incredibly hot and Chinese).
This revelation led to others. It seemed that everywhere I turned I was surrounded by Western faces that were less than aesthetically pleasing. Billboards with aging women smiling their awkward cross-eyed grins, brochures displaying a hardly serious looking snaggle-tooth, proudly modelling his genetic defaults, ad photos with startlingly ugly blue eyed babies, no matter how cutely poised, unmistakably hideous with their oversized misshapen eggheads taking up the majority of the picture frame.
With the evidence gathered, I reached the only logical conclusion about the fate of my TV journalism career in China. I could probably rule out my dwarfish height, but perhaps my not getting the job as a host had something to do with my appearance after all. Yes, indeed, the fact of the matter may well be that I AM JUST TOO CUTE FOR CCTV. That's right, folks. I'm adorable. And just think how disruptive I would be to the network's image. Because, after all, as any serious news worthy journalist will explain in detail for you, there's no such thing as a coincidence.