Enter the Amatorium
love advice for the guys, with Brett Gurning
What do I have to get a girl in this town? I've tried being nice, I've tried being mean, I've even tried adopting a brooding Byronic demeanour. From high class cocktail bars to the filthiest hutong noodle stand, from elegant ladies to the grimiest Hunan slappers - I just can't find someone to love me. What am I doing so wrong that here in Beijing, the City of Romance, I've yet to find a soulmate? If only those bitches knew what a nice guy I was, then they'd sleep with me.
Please help me.
Ricky, Ricky, Ricky. You said it yourself: the ladies just haven't been able to see your good points. Whether that's because maybe you're careless about your appearance, or maybe you just convey a repulsive personality in conversation, I don't know. But what you need to do is find a way to demonstrate just how great you are.
For example, I recently accomplished a heroic act, pulling a girl from an overturned car that had crashed off the north fourth ring road. It didn't quite work out, as the police said that rescuing her didn't mean I could keep her, but the principle applies. You've got to overcome nervousness or whatever and really make an impression. I mean, I've always been a bit nervous about making the first move, so I'm often a bit overzealous when I do. In retrospect, running her off the road may have been a bit much.
Anyway, I hope that helped.
I've recently started going out with a wonderful girl. She's really fantastic: pretty, smart, the works. The trouble is, she's quite a lot younger than I am and I worry that maybe we don't have anything in common. Do you think that a large age gap is going to make our relationship impossible to sustain?
Yours, Stephen R.
I say don't worry about it. I've had many relationships with girls much younger than myself and they pretty much all went swimmingly! People will often tut and fuss, how depending on the exact ages involved (I notice you didn't say how old the two of you are). Sometimes the authorities get involved, like that time I was briefly detained by the Marin County sheriff's department. In my defence, I had just got back from Hungary, so I was a little confused about things.
Even then, don't let society dictate the limits of your love life. The way I see it, what could be more romantic than using your one phone call to ask her out on a second date?
I think I've made a terrible "faux pas". The other day I was snuggling with my girlfriend on the couch, watching Baise Moi on DVD. Then, for some reason (I am such an idiot!) I called her by my ex's name.
I managed to patch things up but now I'm terribly afraid I'm going to do it again. What can I do?
Thanks in advance,
I've encountered this problem before, believe you me. One time it delayed the take off of an Air Mexico flight for twenty minutes.
That's why nowadays whenever I'm in the throes of passion, I always take care to address my loved one as "Darling", "Baby" or "To whom it may concern".